as long as i can

admit

shortcomings are

not

necessarily

always bad.

nor are they ever as simple as

this or that.

there is no black or white

wrong or right

it is not as easy as all that.

instead, focus judgment not 

outwardly

but inward

examine yourself before

ever

passing the torch.

five days post-arrival

My mind is a topsy-turvy mess full of

ins and outs and ups and downs and

a rollercoaster built for two

or more

maybe quite a few more

and yet,

i'm riding alone 

an empty seat next to my

lonely heart

(i love home but fear i am falling apart--

who will put me back together?)

gone

i can still feel your body

and yours

and yours

and yours

on top of mine.

(where did you go, and why?)

awake

anxiety

anticipation

acid reflux?

at any rate, my body's talking and

my mind is not at rest and

too much has happened

and there is so much left to come. 

(what will my future look like?)

train of thought

waiting for a winter wonderland is like

waking up covered in permanent marker and

nothing makes sense

and nothing is legible.

i'm not sure why my anticipation is so

huge but

it's looming like

that time when i 

waited for days for a glimpse of some

magical empowerment and

you gave so freely

be me

and you'll understand where

thoughts like these come from.

until then, though, relish the fact that you

do not live in my brain and

do not, in fact, have to deal with my

rants and raves on a regular basis.

rain in december

i put on my

plaid rainbow

rainboots in hopes that

the dank darkness outside will

somehow disappear.

i've never been this unhappy

or this content

before.

or maybe i'm mistaking my

unhappiness for loneliness

and realizing that 

maybe

my loneliness is exactly what i need.

necessity

is oftentimes much more

engaged than want.

the universe ignores what is longed for

in exchange for what you truly need.

(that doesn't mean i like it)

unhealthy

i gave and i gave

and you took took took

needed the air i breathed

to be yours.

i was willing and able

to do any and all

because i wanted to and

because i knew

you needed it, too.

and while we laid there

slowly suffocating one another

by breathing the same air

we never could pull away

because i liked too much

and you needed too much

that you got scared

and turned your back on me

scared

of my love

scared

of yours back

scared

of our unhealthy cells

feeding on one another

forever.

and now, four months later,

i've found a new groove

though i miss you at times

i can still move

throughout my life without missing a beat

and i think it's neat

to be independent and sweet.

while you, back at home

are stuck in a rut

of necessity and care

and you've found another

girl to take the reins

of your life

you've allowed her to make things happen and

you will blame her, fault her, drop her, too

when things don't work out exactly the way you planned.

(take responsibility, take control)

i worry

i care

i pity

but i won't be dragged down by you any further.

together

finally

counting down means looking forward

to

a little lovin' in a hometown

that may not

have

everything but has

something

too sweet to ignore.

remembering doesn't mean

forgetting

but

it helps to focus the brain on

positive

negative

and in between

mean

regret and mistake and help and

heal

heartbreak must

take a little bit longer

too.

pick up pieces

bit by bit

shattered glass is

likely

less painful.

but

in the meantime

feeling feelings is all

i can do

to feel whole.

forcing yourself to fall out of love 

isn't as easy as

falling in love in the first place.

i never thought i'd ever feel

the taste of regret on my tongue

but

i do now

and it's more bitter than i could have

anticipated.

"...if you wanna hear a sad and lonesome song

just listen to the sound of two hearts beating

on their own..."

thanks for the reminder, dear daisy may.

hot mess rests

listening to love songs and

drinking mint tea

is a far better way to spend the day than

being productive.

reminiscence makes me 

want

to

cry and vomit

so i avoid filling my stomach with

anything but

this tea, here

and a tear or two

slipping between my moist lips

and swallowed whole.

(these last four months have created a disaster)

and i sit

waiting

for answers and questions and exclamations 

of anything but

want and need.

what if? what if?

maybe i've made more mistakes since

you

than i ever will

for the rest of the time i

breathe in the sweet scent of

nothingness

and the steam streaming from my mug

is nothing but a

screaming voice unheard

waiting to be let free.

he

is not the object of my affections

and i obviously don't know anything

at

all.

(hotmess.)

Here Comes The Sun

By Ben Harper

"Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door."

Hotel Paper

By Michelle Branch

"I write mostly on Hotel Paper
Knowing that my thoughts will never leave this room
I'd be out of line telling you, "Leave her"
So I lie lonely surrounded by you
by you

Lately I can't be happy for no one
They think I need some time to myself
I try to smile but I can't remember
And I know tomorrow there'll be nothing else

And I wanted to be giving you everything that she's not giving
And I wanted to see
'Cause I didn't believe what I'd been hearing

You turned out to be more than I bargained for
And I can tell that you need to get away
Forgive me if I admit that I'd love to love you
We both realized it way too late

And I wanted to be
Giving you everything that she's not giving
And I wanted to see
'Cause I didn't believe what I'd been hearing

Maybe this wind blowing in just came from the ocean
I write mostly on Hotel Paper"

complacency killed this cat.

suffocation

remember how you used to

get out of work and

need to go grocery shopping

at 2am?

and my boots would clunk

behind you

amidst the night workers

and stocking carts

we'd get home, kiss, and turn off the light

as if we had gotten sick of each other

the passion gone

you mistook that for love

that had never existed.

i still know otherwise

but i know the suffocation was too hard to bear.
(do you wrap your hands around her neck, too?)

winter

whipping wind wicks

sweat from my brow

how 

many of us are alone?

walking, weeping those tears

of cold

and regret

i didn't layer as well as i should have today

and that whipping wind shoots

through my skin

and turns my heart.

upon

dark dank dreary snowfalling

grass, green growing, a vision

amidst the flakes flurries flighty fake

faroff memories of wintertime 

reality personal, wrong? 

right.

fight the fear of losing

that green green green grass.

come and go

the whistle of a tea kettle

wet and piercing like

when we collide.

steam rises

and greets my cold nose

like a surprise kiss

on the tip.

topsy-turvy whirling dervish

aren't we all

just waiting to be taken away?
let me float away on this
steam-bath-fueled jazz train.
and my chamomile may never be right again.

first

easy come, easy go

as the snow falls

glittering, littering the

dank barrenness of this frozen

metropolis with a little bit of

light

airy

newness. freshening the surface

of my 

city like a fallen star.

are

we ever going to make it back

to where we were?

a year ago, so far away

so much has changed and

yet

so very much has stayed the same.

noses are roses

funny, peculiar is different from

funny, ha ha.

but i laugh at the curious more than i laugh at comedic.

and as strange as it may seem,

i am enjoying the time i have here

right here

smack dab on the edge of this bed

smack on the outskirts of the center of this

oh-so-drearily humble bumbling bustling

trusting town-city of mine.

here in the woods of america

the hidden, the lame, the unattended

in a corner of the world that seems

so familiar to so many

and, yet, none of us know one another atall.

we refuse to smile

we refuse to greet

we refuse to wipe our noses in front of others

in fear that we might

come off as

vulnerable.

a runny nose is hardly a case for a 

heart worn on

a sleeve.

and yet, here in the woods and on the outskirts

of a city-town so lovely so dear so sweet

i sit on an empty bed and hope

to meet

you.

once again, i am lonely

the space between

what was and what wasn't

grows larger in every hour that passes.

and i've just now realized

that those wasn't things

are becoming more prevalent

than the things that were.

(i just lost the hearing in my right ear)

it's obvious, then,

that the quiet nights we spent

not saying the things that should have been said

could have been better spent

alone.

and, yet, i wonder what we would have done

with all the blank pages

and empty stares

and shared glances.

all the words

between us

are now obsolete.

and the feelings

left unspoken are

rattling around in 

the empty brokenness

you left behind.

class is cancelled

there is nothing i like more than

two free hours in the middle of my day.

especially when that day is today

and the sun is not shining

so i don't feel guilty for staying inside and reading.
i wonder when i 
so sweet
so innocent
will be able to spend
two free hours with you
again.
i miss you, and you, and you, as well.
i miss your hair
your toothy grin
your knobby knuckles
the hair on your chin.
i miss the way we were
before we weren't
i miss everything, a little
and i miss the little things a lot.

dabbling

in exquisiteness like a cloth

embedded with gold threads and

echoing the sweet somber sounds of 

love's lost pastime

set serious speech and

singing softly alone at night.

loneliness

like madness, is an all-knowing thing.

it's known, here, in my empty bed

in my empty heart

in my oh-so-chilly toes tonight.

i'd wrap them

alas

they'd be hidden away from you.

but who are you?

a warm body next to mine

since it's winter and all.

and in the winter,

warm company is the best kind.

relajado

two weeks hence

i will be floating away

with you

covered in snow days

and day dreams

and dreamy creamy

cococut

and maybe even

that sweet spicy

smoky seed

lead me

from the real

into the great unknown

maybe i will find a new home

and i won't be alone anymore.