never and ever

it's as if i won't ever
listen
to anyone


never will i
pay attention to
what i've done and who's said what and why and where and


ha. i just won't.

adventure

i do declare
we may be on to something here.


humdrum nothingness is nothing indeed
compared to the feelings left after words are exchanged.
voices heard.
contentedness found.


and i lie here in the dark 
sleep doesn't come
and i don't know what it is about
you and that and 
oh your voice
that's all it takes, i guess


age and distance are nothing but numbers
right dear ? and
i was never good at math.


i think i'm in trouble now but
danger beckons and
i think it's luring me all the closer to an adventure i never thought i'd have
and always hoped i would.


(but in the end, then, i guess it's better to keep thoughts, 
words,
feelings
like these to myself.)

pure anger

in a single moment
pieces and parts you thought were
yours
become a figment of some daft
imaginary
being


why oh why oh why oh why
pumping like a maniac through the
brain disconnected from the
body lying defeated under a
twisted mess.


and then
beyond that
more.


when a body disconnected from the major 
bloody pumping organs
heart and lungs and brain
pumping bloody organs
somehow stopped relying on you.


true
how it is that fact and fiction meet mysteriously here
beyond a shadow of a doubt
this has become the worst
thing
that could ever happen.
and three in the morning becomes easy to see again
with eyes unclouded by
tears expected from them.


i could kill a man for what has been done to me.
but i sit in silence like a motherfucking
godforesaken
spineless piece of worthlessness that shouldn't
even
exist.


why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why
can't i just fall asleep and
wait
and
dream
and
die?


or live simply, softly, quietly, like i had always hoped?


no.
instead,
raging rampant within these weary dreary bones is
a something (or nothing) that could become a nightmare worse 
than the act that
got it there.


i need so many things right now but willing myself to cry is not working
never working
so what else could work?


i do what i dread every day without a care
what
could be worse
than
this?

Hunger

Self-worth.
Measure the moments of happiness
contrast with sadness
and feel.


Free verse is a medium
in which
I feel home.


Sitting in
a hallway in
a building full
of people
I feel strange.


Odd.
As if we are all
here for one thing and
pursuing millions of
molecules of
oxygen.
I feel breathless.


And now
learning feels like life.
And here
we are connected brains
conveniently going
where all students have
always gone before.


Walking in the same footsteps of
millions before us and
removing our personalities in
pursuit of something less real.
I feel gone.


And we worry
but worry is never met with
peace of mind or
change or
relief.
I feel-


I feel as
though my heart
has been ripped out and
stomped on and
I picked it up and
brushed it off and
moved on.


Today is a day in
which we have not
begun to realize that
we are one.
I feel safe.


Safety is
like becoming a
recluse or
some sort of
ridiculous monstrosity of
popular culture and
surrounding yourself in
friendships and
drowning in black coffee and
chex mix in the middle of the night.
I feel hungry.

why is it that
we strayed away from the notion that
women crave men?
i have trouble believing that
men are the only ones
that
think
about
sex.
instead, here we are
innocent
quiet
shy
but inside
we are screaming
for sex.
attention.
caring.

communication.

community.
commune.

never stop

today i wanted to go somewhere but i don't think she did.
well, she said she didn't but i didn't care enough to listen.
but i guess i care a little since i'm writing about it now.
though now is a relative term that has since moved to the past
again
again
again
and my past has been added to again.
additionally, the car needed a tune-up and it hasn't happened yet.
we're up before dawn and this is no time to joke.
where it is, i don't know.
i don't think she wanted to go anywhere today but i did.

we're too big to expand

all at once,
the tingling twitching of fingertips met for the first time,
the movements quick like light passing between trees that continue to move despite one's best efforts
touch and away
a sideways glance, a flicker in the lips
we can't go anywhere fast enough and
yet
the uncontrolled never lasts.

palm of my hand

our past is expansive,
much more so than our present
and our future is seemingly blank.


how sad it is to have missed out on something
so innocent
perfect
in order to preserve something that
does
not
exist?


(i've lost all hope now, please come help me out.)


i need some guidance here, and now, 
and please don't tell me you'll work it out
because eventually isn't good enough for me,
no
not anymore.
give me more. give me concrete. give me proof.
give me truth.


(it's all that i deserve, no more, no less. i guess.)


i just cannot believe that i let it slip through my fingers
and
convinced myself all would be well.
hell,
maybe i'm the one who needs to stop telling lies.
besides,
taking care of me should be my number one priority.


(get some. or something.)

these are things

these are the things swimming about in the muck of my mind right now:
-loneliness and isolation: the lonelier i am, the more isolated i make myself. this is a ugly vicious cycle.
-i want to go places. all places. right now. immediately. not in the spring or when i have the money. fuck money.
-why can't i find a motherfucking job? no, but seriously, this internship will be good. i think. and hopefully i will get the americorps position.
-but if i get the americorps position, then i can't go to europe.
-but if i can't go to europe, i will find another time to go. and i could go by myself. on a trip. after americorps.
-i need to write more.
-i need to start running (my alarm clock is set for an earlier morning)
-i love mornings. i need to start appreciating them more. i think i will learn to appreciate them because i will be getting up to go running.
-it only takes 21 days to create a habit.
-don't forget the golden rule: do unto yourself as you would unto others. i work in customer service so this is especially applicable.
-taking better care means: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. exercise daily. personal hygiene (like plucking my eyebrows, which i keep thinking about doing but never actually do [because i need a new pair of tweezers].) less alcohol and bad food. these are very easy changes to make.
-i need to move out. immediately. i really hope this 13th street house/living with jessica thing will work out. i will find out in 2 days.
-i need money. i hate money. i hope my security deposit comes back soon so i can pay bridget so that weight is lifted. and then i can pay off my credit card and send lindsey a check and pay at&t and get back on track.
-this summer was a fucking bust. i think i'm disappointed because i fucked myself over. but it's okay.
-i wish i were moving away, but because i'm not, traverse city is a glorious place to be.
-i can't wait for fall.
-i love wine. i really do. and i love selling it.
-i really want my life to start, but i can't stop missing college.
-i miss college a lot.
-i don't really know what to do, but i'm doing it anyway.
-i'm really going to miss school, but i need this time for me now.
-focus on the present.
-i want to travel. wanderlust.
-i like having fun.
-my mother cannot define me. i will not allow her to. i am me with or without her.
-i will move out soon. i will take care of myself. i will get the jobs i want. i will find someone to spend time with. i will fall in love. all in due time.

i'm just
sitting around
watching
waiting
listening.

addiction

it's a dangerous thing
(i've never known it quite like most, but)
my life is based upon a lie and i began in some couple's 
cold turkey humdrum nothingness
(i just can't stand what this is doing to us)
i know you're knowing that i know
will ultimately lead to your demise
(but honestly though can you ever be with anyone?
truly be, like together, like one?)
you've worn me down and wore me out
and i'm running ragged breathless rushing catching up
inhale, it gets caught in my throat
choke
i can't be the only one who knows
not anymore
i care too deeply for you now to hold you back to keep you going
my only thought now is: who and how and why?
why oh why is this a thing
a true honest beastly thing that needs dealing with
and why, again, am i the only one strong enough to know
really know
what it's like to be the secret lover of a love gone horribly wrong?
i'm troubled with your troubles, dear, and here and there we realize that
we cannot pretend we're living someone else's humdrum life
and knowing now what i do know is knowing nothing worthwhile
nothingness is better than this, i think, and i can't quite
won't quite
figure it out.

i have a problem

i love you, you see.
i think i'm the last to know.
i just figured it out,
but i don't know how i didn't, sooner
faster
earlier
i guess i'm that mess i've been warning you about
but
i know you have a secret too
darling
can i hear it?
remind me of all those things you said
a lifetime ago
these months have been the longest i've ever known and
i'm having trouble contemplating the meanings behind
all the silly lies and lines and rhymes and
december always makes me nostalgic so
i guess, here it goes
i love you, i want you and i don't care who knows.

back, and better than ever

and here, now, just like that
all is right with the world again.


i'd never say i wasn't worried
but what i was
was
convinced of a lie.
(no, not a lie, but something not worth believing)
(or maybe it was worth believing, but unnecessary)


the bottom line is, relief has washed over like some sort of cliched phrase i'd rather not use.


what i mean to say is, well, here we are again.
and all is well.

on the floor

on the floor
on the couch
on the futon
on the bed
in lake michigan
on the beach
in the shade
in the sun
under a coastie, flying overhead
in the shower
in the bath
behind locked doors
behind unlocked doors
under blankets
on top of sheets
sweaty, achey, breathing heavy
half-clothed and writhing
laughing and crying
content and wanting
more more more
again again again

once more

why oh why oh why why why
does this keep happening?
and why oh why oh why
can i not stop
can't turn around
can't shut my mind off
i've been told to give up, to give in
but why oh why oh
no
i guess this is mine, now, too, again
and until then, my friend,
you're mine too.
assume responsibility, dear one.

time passes

i can't keep on
keeping on
like this here and now and there and where and when
then
yes it
it never made the best excuse
did it?

all i wanna do is kiss you all the time.

or maybe listen to norah jones with you. and giggle at your goofy smile.

standing in the way of control

really? i mean, really?!

and that's that.
i mean, that's what happened and maybe this is the way it will stay.
but maybe not.
(we both know it will happen again. and again. and again.)
my head is spinning.
like, really spinning. still.
i have no idea of what will happen next.

will anything happen?
we had a good thing there for a minute or so.
and then...well...that happened.
and maybe it will never happen again.

c'mere

I sit waiting shaking

Shivering like the first time you

Touched my face

Erase

A memory or two

Of you