as long as i can

admit

shortcomings are

not

necessarily

always bad.

nor are they ever as simple as

this or that.

there is no black or white

wrong or right

it is not as easy as all that.

instead, focus judgment not 

outwardly

but inward

examine yourself before

ever

passing the torch.

five days post-arrival

My mind is a topsy-turvy mess full of

ins and outs and ups and downs and

a rollercoaster built for two

or more

maybe quite a few more

and yet,

i'm riding alone 

an empty seat next to my

lonely heart

(i love home but fear i am falling apart--

who will put me back together?)

gone

i can still feel your body

and yours

and yours

and yours

on top of mine.

(where did you go, and why?)

awake

anxiety

anticipation

acid reflux?

at any rate, my body's talking and

my mind is not at rest and

too much has happened

and there is so much left to come. 

(what will my future look like?)

train of thought

waiting for a winter wonderland is like

waking up covered in permanent marker and

nothing makes sense

and nothing is legible.

i'm not sure why my anticipation is so

huge but

it's looming like

that time when i 

waited for days for a glimpse of some

magical empowerment and

you gave so freely

be me

and you'll understand where

thoughts like these come from.

until then, though, relish the fact that you

do not live in my brain and

do not, in fact, have to deal with my

rants and raves on a regular basis.

rain in december

i put on my

plaid rainbow

rainboots in hopes that

the dank darkness outside will

somehow disappear.

i've never been this unhappy

or this content

before.

or maybe i'm mistaking my

unhappiness for loneliness

and realizing that 

maybe

my loneliness is exactly what i need.

necessity

is oftentimes much more

engaged than want.

the universe ignores what is longed for

in exchange for what you truly need.

(that doesn't mean i like it)

unhealthy

i gave and i gave

and you took took took

needed the air i breathed

to be yours.

i was willing and able

to do any and all

because i wanted to and

because i knew

you needed it, too.

and while we laid there

slowly suffocating one another

by breathing the same air

we never could pull away

because i liked too much

and you needed too much

that you got scared

and turned your back on me

scared

of my love

scared

of yours back

scared

of our unhealthy cells

feeding on one another

forever.

and now, four months later,

i've found a new groove

though i miss you at times

i can still move

throughout my life without missing a beat

and i think it's neat

to be independent and sweet.

while you, back at home

are stuck in a rut

of necessity and care

and you've found another

girl to take the reins

of your life

you've allowed her to make things happen and

you will blame her, fault her, drop her, too

when things don't work out exactly the way you planned.

(take responsibility, take control)

i worry

i care

i pity

but i won't be dragged down by you any further.