ambiguous

i don't use words like

ambiguous

or

tangential

or

aesthetic

or

temporalities

in my day-to-day life.

and yet, i hear these words daily

come out of my professors' mouths.

i've never felt more inferior

unable

or sad.

instead

i wonder whether or not

i belong.

my brain does not work

this way

the way that yours does.

it works in it's own way

like

some self-destructive

movement.

i can't analyze like you do

but

i can analyze.

let me feel

the way i feel

and be

the way i am.

i feel out of place

and yet

i've never felt more at home.

The worst.

On the underside of my left pointer finger

in the crease of the second knuckle

there is a papercut.

It has grown.

Gaping like my ragged and weary soul.

In it, there is dust and dirt.

Like the things that fill my heart.

Infectious like a smile.

Red like freshly kissed lips.

Its throbbing pain doesn't just go away,

can't be ignored.

So pesky, this papercut,

like the events of my life.

It's funny to think that my papercut

has become a symbol in itself.

Ripped skin torn through to inner flesh.

Brokenness a slowly shriveling infliction.

Maybe this papercut will never heal

like me.

Hope beyond hope that the blood will clot

and the skin will close

and my body will be whole again.

That I will be whole again.

can't stop

won't. refuse.

universal

brokenness is only a symptom

of your twenties.

physical, emotional, mental

re-mind. re-create. re-use.

again and again and again.

remember options.

turn around, sit.

become the only one who dictates

your life.

smile.

free like laughing

hysterically

doubled over in stupid silly happiness

and embracing a moment so divine.

my body's shock is dispersing

slowly, like sugar

seeping out of my pores

painful but, well, transparent

and a welcome respite

from the world to which i belong.

i have been released

if only for a sweet sweet sugary moment.

i suppose my bones have been shaken

i suppose my life has been changed

but i've turned the page and allowed

the universe to let me laugh.

hysterical.

once again.

the cold seeps in and

i shiver

but the laughter warms the senses

and the air.

forceful, like the personality

of the comedian

that creates this life.

leaves rustle and my muscles twitch

achy from dissatisfaction

and disbelief.

embrace the ridiculous.

the hilarious.

the farcical.

stomach dropped.

and i've fallen in to

the trap of the typical.

welcome to the movie.

i am the mistake-ridden heroine

and we are midway through the film.

i am alone.

i've lost of lot of energy

and pride

and self-respect

and yet,

i am fine.

but my frustration

is not disillusioned,

it is real

and obvious.

and my fatal flaw

will always be

attention received.

i fall every time.
feel free to watch
the cheap entertainment
i never fail to provide.

oy.

thanks for stopping by.