addiction

it's a dangerous thing
(i've never known it quite like most, but)
my life is based upon a lie and i began in some couple's 
cold turkey humdrum nothingness
(i just can't stand what this is doing to us)
i know you're knowing that i know
will ultimately lead to your demise
(but honestly though can you ever be with anyone?
truly be, like together, like one?)
you've worn me down and wore me out
and i'm running ragged breathless rushing catching up
inhale, it gets caught in my throat
choke
i can't be the only one who knows
not anymore
i care too deeply for you now to hold you back to keep you going
my only thought now is: who and how and why?
why oh why is this a thing
a true honest beastly thing that needs dealing with
and why, again, am i the only one strong enough to know
really know
what it's like to be the secret lover of a love gone horribly wrong?
i'm troubled with your troubles, dear, and here and there we realize that
we cannot pretend we're living someone else's humdrum life
and knowing now what i do know is knowing nothing worthwhile
nothingness is better than this, i think, and i can't quite
won't quite
figure it out.

i have a problem

i love you, you see.
i think i'm the last to know.
i just figured it out,
but i don't know how i didn't, sooner
faster
earlier
i guess i'm that mess i've been warning you about
but
i know you have a secret too
darling
can i hear it?
remind me of all those things you said
a lifetime ago
these months have been the longest i've ever known and
i'm having trouble contemplating the meanings behind
all the silly lies and lines and rhymes and
december always makes me nostalgic so
i guess, here it goes
i love you, i want you and i don't care who knows.