as long as i can

admit

shortcomings are

not

necessarily

always bad.

nor are they ever as simple as

this or that.

there is no black or white

wrong or right

it is not as easy as all that.

instead, focus judgment not 

outwardly

but inward

examine yourself before

ever

passing the torch.

five days post-arrival

My mind is a topsy-turvy mess full of

ins and outs and ups and downs and

a rollercoaster built for two

or more

maybe quite a few more

and yet,

i'm riding alone 

an empty seat next to my

lonely heart

(i love home but fear i am falling apart--

who will put me back together?)

gone

i can still feel your body

and yours

and yours

and yours

on top of mine.

(where did you go, and why?)

awake

anxiety

anticipation

acid reflux?

at any rate, my body's talking and

my mind is not at rest and

too much has happened

and there is so much left to come. 

(what will my future look like?)

train of thought

waiting for a winter wonderland is like

waking up covered in permanent marker and

nothing makes sense

and nothing is legible.

i'm not sure why my anticipation is so

huge but

it's looming like

that time when i 

waited for days for a glimpse of some

magical empowerment and

you gave so freely

be me

and you'll understand where

thoughts like these come from.

until then, though, relish the fact that you

do not live in my brain and

do not, in fact, have to deal with my

rants and raves on a regular basis.

rain in december

i put on my

plaid rainbow

rainboots in hopes that

the dank darkness outside will

somehow disappear.

i've never been this unhappy

or this content

before.

or maybe i'm mistaking my

unhappiness for loneliness

and realizing that 

maybe

my loneliness is exactly what i need.

necessity

is oftentimes much more

engaged than want.

the universe ignores what is longed for

in exchange for what you truly need.

(that doesn't mean i like it)

unhealthy

i gave and i gave

and you took took took

needed the air i breathed

to be yours.

i was willing and able

to do any and all

because i wanted to and

because i knew

you needed it, too.

and while we laid there

slowly suffocating one another

by breathing the same air

we never could pull away

because i liked too much

and you needed too much

that you got scared

and turned your back on me

scared

of my love

scared

of yours back

scared

of our unhealthy cells

feeding on one another

forever.

and now, four months later,

i've found a new groove

though i miss you at times

i can still move

throughout my life without missing a beat

and i think it's neat

to be independent and sweet.

while you, back at home

are stuck in a rut

of necessity and care

and you've found another

girl to take the reins

of your life

you've allowed her to make things happen and

you will blame her, fault her, drop her, too

when things don't work out exactly the way you planned.

(take responsibility, take control)

i worry

i care

i pity

but i won't be dragged down by you any further.

together

finally

counting down means looking forward

to

a little lovin' in a hometown

that may not

have

everything but has

something

too sweet to ignore.

remembering doesn't mean

forgetting

but

it helps to focus the brain on

positive

negative

and in between

mean

regret and mistake and help and

heal

heartbreak must

take a little bit longer

too.

pick up pieces

bit by bit

shattered glass is

likely

less painful.

but

in the meantime

feeling feelings is all

i can do

to feel whole.

forcing yourself to fall out of love 

isn't as easy as

falling in love in the first place.

i never thought i'd ever feel

the taste of regret on my tongue

but

i do now

and it's more bitter than i could have

anticipated.

"...if you wanna hear a sad and lonesome song

just listen to the sound of two hearts beating

on their own..."

thanks for the reminder, dear daisy may.

hot mess rests

listening to love songs and

drinking mint tea

is a far better way to spend the day than

being productive.

reminiscence makes me 

want

to

cry and vomit

so i avoid filling my stomach with

anything but

this tea, here

and a tear or two

slipping between my moist lips

and swallowed whole.

(these last four months have created a disaster)

and i sit

waiting

for answers and questions and exclamations 

of anything but

want and need.

what if? what if?

maybe i've made more mistakes since

you

than i ever will

for the rest of the time i

breathe in the sweet scent of

nothingness

and the steam streaming from my mug

is nothing but a

screaming voice unheard

waiting to be let free.

he

is not the object of my affections

and i obviously don't know anything

at

all.

(hotmess.)

Here Comes The Sun

By Ben Harper

"Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door."

Hotel Paper

By Michelle Branch

"I write mostly on Hotel Paper
Knowing that my thoughts will never leave this room
I'd be out of line telling you, "Leave her"
So I lie lonely surrounded by you
by you

Lately I can't be happy for no one
They think I need some time to myself
I try to smile but I can't remember
And I know tomorrow there'll be nothing else

And I wanted to be giving you everything that she's not giving
And I wanted to see
'Cause I didn't believe what I'd been hearing

You turned out to be more than I bargained for
And I can tell that you need to get away
Forgive me if I admit that I'd love to love you
We both realized it way too late

And I wanted to be
Giving you everything that she's not giving
And I wanted to see
'Cause I didn't believe what I'd been hearing

Maybe this wind blowing in just came from the ocean
I write mostly on Hotel Paper"

complacency killed this cat.

suffocation

remember how you used to

get out of work and

need to go grocery shopping

at 2am?

and my boots would clunk

behind you

amidst the night workers

and stocking carts

we'd get home, kiss, and turn off the light

as if we had gotten sick of each other

the passion gone

you mistook that for love

that had never existed.

i still know otherwise

but i know the suffocation was too hard to bear.
(do you wrap your hands around her neck, too?)

winter

whipping wind wicks

sweat from my brow

how 

many of us are alone?

walking, weeping those tears

of cold

and regret

i didn't layer as well as i should have today

and that whipping wind shoots

through my skin

and turns my heart.

upon

dark dank dreary snowfalling

grass, green growing, a vision

amidst the flakes flurries flighty fake

faroff memories of wintertime 

reality personal, wrong? 

right.

fight the fear of losing

that green green green grass.

come and go

the whistle of a tea kettle

wet and piercing like

when we collide.

steam rises

and greets my cold nose

like a surprise kiss

on the tip.

topsy-turvy whirling dervish

aren't we all

just waiting to be taken away?
let me float away on this
steam-bath-fueled jazz train.
and my chamomile may never be right again.

first

easy come, easy go

as the snow falls

glittering, littering the

dank barrenness of this frozen

metropolis with a little bit of

light

airy

newness. freshening the surface

of my 

city like a fallen star.

are

we ever going to make it back

to where we were?

a year ago, so far away

so much has changed and

yet

so very much has stayed the same.

noses are roses

funny, peculiar is different from

funny, ha ha.

but i laugh at the curious more than i laugh at comedic.

and as strange as it may seem,

i am enjoying the time i have here

right here

smack dab on the edge of this bed

smack on the outskirts of the center of this

oh-so-drearily humble bumbling bustling

trusting town-city of mine.

here in the woods of america

the hidden, the lame, the unattended

in a corner of the world that seems

so familiar to so many

and, yet, none of us know one another atall.

we refuse to smile

we refuse to greet

we refuse to wipe our noses in front of others

in fear that we might

come off as

vulnerable.

a runny nose is hardly a case for a 

heart worn on

a sleeve.

and yet, here in the woods and on the outskirts

of a city-town so lovely so dear so sweet

i sit on an empty bed and hope

to meet

you.

once again, i am lonely

the space between

what was and what wasn't

grows larger in every hour that passes.

and i've just now realized

that those wasn't things

are becoming more prevalent

than the things that were.

(i just lost the hearing in my right ear)

it's obvious, then,

that the quiet nights we spent

not saying the things that should have been said

could have been better spent

alone.

and, yet, i wonder what we would have done

with all the blank pages

and empty stares

and shared glances.

all the words

between us

are now obsolete.

and the feelings

left unspoken are

rattling around in 

the empty brokenness

you left behind.

class is cancelled

there is nothing i like more than

two free hours in the middle of my day.

especially when that day is today

and the sun is not shining

so i don't feel guilty for staying inside and reading.
i wonder when i 
so sweet
so innocent
will be able to spend
two free hours with you
again.
i miss you, and you, and you, as well.
i miss your hair
your toothy grin
your knobby knuckles
the hair on your chin.
i miss the way we were
before we weren't
i miss everything, a little
and i miss the little things a lot.

dabbling

in exquisiteness like a cloth

embedded with gold threads and

echoing the sweet somber sounds of 

love's lost pastime

set serious speech and

singing softly alone at night.

loneliness

like madness, is an all-knowing thing.

it's known, here, in my empty bed

in my empty heart

in my oh-so-chilly toes tonight.

i'd wrap them

alas

they'd be hidden away from you.

but who are you?

a warm body next to mine

since it's winter and all.

and in the winter,

warm company is the best kind.

relajado

two weeks hence

i will be floating away

with you

covered in snow days

and day dreams

and dreamy creamy

cococut

and maybe even

that sweet spicy

smoky seed

lead me

from the real

into the great unknown

maybe i will find a new home

and i won't be alone anymore.

i am

irrational

emotional

ridiculous

ephemeral and fleeting

and

not quite finished

here.

Love Love Love

By The Mountain Goats

King Saul fell on his sword
When it all went wrong
And Joseph's brother sold him down the river
For a song
And Sonny Liston rubbed some tiger balm in his glove
some things you do for money
and some you do for love love love

Raskalnikov felt sick
But he couldn't say why
When he saw his face reflected
In his victim's twinkling eye
Some things you do for money
And some you'll do for fun
But the things you do for love
Are gonna come back to you one by one

Love love is gonna lead you by the hand
Into a white and soundless place
Now we see this
As in a mirror dimly
Then we shall see each other
Face to face

And way out in Seattle
Young Kurt Cobain
Snuck out to the garden
Put a bullet in his brain
Snakes in the grass beneath our feet
Rain in the clouds above
Some moments last forever
And some flare out with love love love

most likely not

i won't lie

lying here

would be like pretending

life were different.

this empty house is left

unriddled with thoughts, pieces

of you 

and yet it's emptiness leaves me wondering

if you're lying around thinking of me too.

Author Unknown

"Love the people you treat you right, and forget about the ones that don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

wonder why

i just don't want anything to do with

his and hers and yours and mine

i refuse to participate in

conjunction junction

companionship

connections

because i've been there

done that

and am i already giving up?

today

i am

i'm done.

oops.

i seemed to have screwed everything up

and today is the day i have realized it.

(what a heavy day)

all i ever wanted

was everything i had

forever

(instant karma gets you)

slow down and stop and wait.

lone wolf.

can't stand being a constant fuck-up

making choices decisions 

drawing conclusions

becoming ugh

an adult so old and 

learning experiencing being

oh so very brokenhearted

unloved alone like

you always claimed you wanted to be

and yet here i sit with no hand in mine

and you don't mind

sitting there with hers in yours.

and i shied away so envious so jealous so unreal

stealing glances over and over

watching waiting wishing for you

to make

a move.

so many times have i not known

what to do say think be

and today

i think

i have chosen wrong

every 

single

time.

exhaust

in a funk, sunk into the depths

depths of loneliness and despair

care

to join me?

if you did, we wouldn't be so lonely

and maybe

baby

our despair would disappear.

i am so good at torturing myself.

working with words

has become a new hassle

a new something to be

dissatisfied with

just another thing 

i'm not enough for

i'm not good at

i'm not.
(breathe and remember where your dreams come from)

physio

lighting quick

lick

a pattern across my

smooth smooth skin

down my spine

your hand next to mine

my

naked arm quivers

sends shivers

to all the appropriate places

touch soft like

light

like

leaving me the way you found me

lovely, lonely and alive

find

a new place to begin

in

in between my cold toes or

beside my warm heart.

lovely lacking

i would like to write

something happy, content, wonderful

magical like the feelings i get when

your arms are wrapped around me

like right before you kissed me that first time

and i

i kissed right back.

i would like to remember those times

so quick

so infrequent

not so long ago

when you and i walked

not touching, breathing

anticipation mounting like a

like a wish waiting for a falling star.

my short-term memory

doesn't fail me this time and i'm

i'm happy we've done everything we've done.

happy, content, wonderful

magical like the feelings i get when

your body is pressed against mine

passion persistent, pure

positively radiant and 

positively true.

(i'm not so lonesome anymore.)

Grateful

For blue skies

For freedom

For learning

For doing

For being

Allowing myself to

be me

for once in my life.

I am

relieved,

revived,

reborn and

I don't need much more than this.

(Needs and wants are the reason for the season)

Addict

I should just choose to be confused.

To sit still and wait for you

anyone

to explain things that I know

are true.

Ouch mixed with content makes

a vicious cocktail

and I suppose I'm enduring it.
Swallowing it whole to feel more, 
feel less,
feel.

i missed you today.
but i didn't send you an email to tell you so.
i miss you everyday,
but i can't bear the thought of you.



maybe tomorrow.


maybe not.

so funny

to think of why and how and where and when

to wonder upon wonder,

to unknow the unknown.

to become empty and whole at the very same time

to rotate, cycle, smile.

to feel worthy and worthless

weighing the odds

to be new, true, blue, goo.

slumped over inside

standing tall throughout.

wonderings

whether

or

not

i would regret

feelings

thoughts

actions

unfortunate and true.

boo.

ignoringit

in hopes of

becoming something new.

never have i ever

confessions are of too much worth

to become true, real, alive, different

and i, here, have become immobile

like

i can't breathe and my mind can give

nothing but varied shades of you.

i realize i haven't stopped

haven't become

haven't been

haven't seen anything but

the same damn things

over and over.

brutally used to being messed up

shrugging off the seemingly 

normal but truly volatile.

feeling as though life is

not as nice as i ever believed it could be.

malcontent, discontent, i don't sleep

i won't sleep

and tonight won't be easy

to endure.

knackered

my brain waves good-bye

going into overdrive

my body stiffens, weakens,

and that ache that never went away 

shivers, sleepy.

i do not know where i will end up

all i know is

my thoughts are dangerous

my mind is a minefield and

i skip lazily through

setting off bomb after bomb until i

crumble

shaking

sweaty

tears streaming

screaming

begging for mercy.

i open my eyes again and 

stretch yawning

like a

cat 

where's my yoga mat

these poses are fit for the studio

go

go

go

awaken alive once again my friend you are

too early

my brain never stops

go 

go

go again and again until

exhausted

i give up

and let it win again.

please

allow me to make my own decisions

allow me to trust my inhibitions

my instincts

my guts

i was never told what to do or not to do

very rarely were my parents the ones who decided for me

now, too many people seem to think they know what's best and

though i trust that they care

i trust myself more.

i've got to make mistakes in order to learn from them so

please

let me do what needs to be done.

learning a lesson

curiosity killed the cat

and all those other crazy fools

that were too wrapped up in

other people's business to notice

that their own lives were falling apart.

i'm guilty, too.

all i truly want

is a warm body

lying next to mine.

it could be yours 

or some stranger's.

all i truly want 

is to know that

for a split second

i am the sole thing

on someone else's mind.

all i truly want 

is the attention

i crave so terribly.

all i truly want

is

naked skin shivering 

under those sweet single

fingers swirling.

my skin is cold to the touch but

touch it anyway.

and smile in to my eyes

surprise

i am important too.

all i truly want 

is to be cared for 

the same way

i take care in knowing

you and i

will come together.

care for me sensually.

disrespect

how funny

peculiar it is

how quickly, clumsily

feelings can change from love to hate.

every time i drank a beer with you

you'd smirk and say, "i want to get you drunk and take advantage of you."

and i thought, well, you take advantage of me anyway

why not get some alcohol out of the deal?

what's so different about that?

you used to claim love but forge dislike

every time you refused to come see me

after work.

and every single time i cried

you told me you were falling out of love with me

as if my tears we some sort of hate machines

mean

as if saying those things were going to make me stop crying

instead of making me cry more.

you cried and i held you rather than pushing you away

because i knew

i know

how much those tears were payment for everything you had always ignored.

i still feel honored to be the first one to see you cry

and i hold those feelings so close, like, 

maybe i'll always be the only one to ever see you cry.

i watched you break down

and bounce back

as if nothing mattered.

i listened to you as you told me of

your wishes

to take care of your mother, your sisters

as if it were your duty.

but you never hesitated to charge your mother's credit card

with frivolity and consumerism

and constant car repairs

claiming you'd pay her back someday.

you lie

you cheat

you take advantage

of everyone around you.

and yet they still fall in love with you

become smitten

want to be your friend.

you're charismatic and generous and

you are likable.

but you are not real.

and every time i wonder whether

you are a good guy or a bad one

i can't decide.

i don't think i ever really knew you at all

and that hurts more than anything else.

free

my coloring books have been left uncolored

and my fort-building skills are lacking

i can't find my legos or hot wheels

and i'd rather drink coffee than juice this morning.

sitting in the classroom in a college i've dreamt of since those days

i am reminded of my mortality, my humanity, my age

is this growing up?

alcohol on the breath

black bags under my eyes

refusal to dress in anything but leggings

hands cracked from stifling cold.

am i old?

two decades of living and suddenly

i am reverting

a sixty-four pack of crayolas sits open on my desk

for when my readings on feminism and nietzsche

become too much to bear.

and ani difranco intermingles with disney songs on my itunes.

shuffle in some raffi and beatles for good measure.

no, i am not fully grown

oh no, not yet. 

Recipe for a perfect musical interlude

Take twenty-five parts Explosions in the Sky

Four parts Yndi Halda

Ten parts Sigur Ros

Ten parts The Forms

Shuffle lightly until thoroughly mixed

Press play

Sleep to dream.

heavy heart

heaving 

those everythings became nothingness in an instant and 

here her ears hear a noise obnoxious and

ugh

so silly

judgments made so rash so real so reckless

like bouncing

back

and forth

up

and down

in 

and out because it has become that way.

innocence cut away like a circumcision

quick and

painful

sharp knives make such a difference.

touch this

trust like teaching

like learning

like meaning

like feeling a little bit more safe

safer than it was before

when the situation became stale

and jaded.

worry like words

like working

like willing to do too much to make things better

easier

different.

confusion like coloring

like keeping

like cooling down the coffee in this glass

yes, glass

it's hot to the touch but cold to the mind

find some insulation

find another stranger to harass.

tonight lonely night

shivering, breathless,

i wonder how she can be walking around

drowned

in wet hair tonight.

and yet, i suck through a straw

a frozen coffee drink

and laugh at my eternal hypocrisy.

my head will never be as cold as yours,

naked as it is thrust in to this november evening.

i will bury myself in your arms and try to keep you warm.

my lungs respond heavily to the sharpness of the air.

main street looks like a metropolis

and i am not lost amongst the homeless and the hipsters

traipsing along.

i have found myself here, happy.

and look forward to traipsing, too, 

my hand in yours.

contentedness overpowering,

wishful like a flame flickering.

typical anomaly

floating among 

the ugg boots and north face jackets

i have found a home here.

i frequent starbucks for my daily caffeine fixes

and fulfill my shopping itches

at urban outfitters and american apparel.

i wear leggings as pants and

pretend i am comfortable.

i refuse to be everyone else

because my drink is frozen in november

and my north face and uggs are nonexistent.

my urban clothing comes from the clearance racks and

is intermingled with old navy jeans and gap socks.

i study in coffee shops drinking tea and

spend too much money on dinner food.

i forget to go to the gym and i

don't revise my papers before turning them in.

in short, i am just like everyone else.

similar to the masses, yet different enough to stand out.

and my left-handed liberalisms and my

redheaded shortcomings have become

just as typically atypical as anyone

interesting enough to

watch walk down main street.
ann arbor is too small to be large
and yet
i still fit.

rules are meant to be broken

in my mind all the time,

i can't help but smile thinking about responses

glittering gold stars

from audiences unknown

flowers being thrown

and giggles resounding aloud.

tensions building sweet and sultry

and become overwhelming anticipatory

can't ignore voices above and below

yelling come and show

show and tell

well

i don't think i'm ready yet.

(but i will let you know)

Bedtime

Tips touching finger licking good.

Smell my hair the way I knew you would.

Stroke gentle almost fearful almost unreal.

Helpful reminder to allow myself to heal.

Ready to make that take that do that stuff.

Intimate ultimate pillow fluff.

I remember your lips touching mine, the first time,

and my heart races just like it always will.

A new thing a true thing I think is mine,

though here I sit waiting for you still.

Enlighten me.

Brighten my smile.

Will wait for awhile.

Together we were

Together here we were

that futon crackling under the weight of

imminent dismay

destruction

and two days of unfortunate waiting.

That last time together I allowed you to

take advantage of my 

fear and anticipation

and I remembered nothing.

I have repressed so many images of

us, together we were and I can't stop

remembering small things,

real things that I am not proud of.

I can not believe we have nothing to show for

the two years we were together and

those nights spent crying and clenching fists.

I'd rather forget the good parts because

I remember that we were happy

together, we were.

Confusion sets in and I just want to forget

the nights spent laughing and the nights spent

in each other's arms together, we were.

Now we are apart and I do not want

to be together the way we were.

four years

is a long time.

four years is

one-fifth of

my lifetime.

when i was five, i 

played with barbie dolls

and

tonka trucks and

hot wheels and

coloring books.

when i was ten i

read a lot of books and

wore silly outfits and

jumped on my bed

listening to my b*witched and

hanson cassette tapes.

when i was fifteen i

had a lot of crushes and

stopped shaving my legs and

yearned for more.

now that i am twenty i

have become this

woman that

changes daily.

i have realized that

i have so much going

for me and i

still laugh at my life all the time.

four years is a long time to

commit to someone other than

yourself.

i have finally admitted that i

can survive by myself and

i am willing to

embrace myself before

giving myself away again.

good morning

did you

want to

wake up in the morning and

smile

like i will

when i

am through beating around

the bush and

through avoiding your

gaze

and

maybe after

we have

become

a little bit better

together

than we were before.

that's when i will

wake up smiling

next to you and

your sweet lips will

be smiling too.

subconscious

blood and body mass

connect, swirled whirled

mush.

i sleep to dream

and yet

my dreams always end up killing me.

i awake to find

myself still alive

deep breath

realize

life is more precious than sleep can imagine.

ruh roh--trouble

i realize i'm probably getting ahead of myself, here.

but it's fun to think, hope, and wish.

dream.

i have good feelings. 
and all of these love songs that i have found myself able to listen to again, some of my favorite songs in the world that i couldn't listen to for four months, aren't helping the matter. 
but they're on, and i'm smiling, and 
phew
what a relief.

square one

i think it's interesting to note

life doesn't get any easier

whether you're fifteen or fifty

but it does get more fun.

(funner, even, if you will.

which i will, because i love making up words. 

my privilege as an english major.)

i think it's interesting to note

we are all made up of

seventy-eight percent water and

particles of other things that

sometimes

are deadly if ingested in larger doses.

we are all self-specific science experiments

and it is our duty

to make sure we don't go up in smoke

or choke

or do bad things.

taking care of one another

is just as important as

taking care of yourself.

i think it's interesting to note

we are all human

destructible

mortal

real

and we all have hearts

beating inside our chests

and mine just may be

a few miles

too far from yours

right now.