i am

irrational

emotional

ridiculous

ephemeral and fleeting

and

not quite finished

here.

Love Love Love

By The Mountain Goats

King Saul fell on his sword
When it all went wrong
And Joseph's brother sold him down the river
For a song
And Sonny Liston rubbed some tiger balm in his glove
some things you do for money
and some you do for love love love

Raskalnikov felt sick
But he couldn't say why
When he saw his face reflected
In his victim's twinkling eye
Some things you do for money
And some you'll do for fun
But the things you do for love
Are gonna come back to you one by one

Love love is gonna lead you by the hand
Into a white and soundless place
Now we see this
As in a mirror dimly
Then we shall see each other
Face to face

And way out in Seattle
Young Kurt Cobain
Snuck out to the garden
Put a bullet in his brain
Snakes in the grass beneath our feet
Rain in the clouds above
Some moments last forever
And some flare out with love love love

most likely not

i won't lie

lying here

would be like pretending

life were different.

this empty house is left

unriddled with thoughts, pieces

of you 

and yet it's emptiness leaves me wondering

if you're lying around thinking of me too.

Author Unknown

"Love the people you treat you right, and forget about the ones that don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

wonder why

i just don't want anything to do with

his and hers and yours and mine

i refuse to participate in

conjunction junction

companionship

connections

because i've been there

done that

and am i already giving up?

today

i am

i'm done.

oops.

i seemed to have screwed everything up

and today is the day i have realized it.

(what a heavy day)

all i ever wanted

was everything i had

forever

(instant karma gets you)

slow down and stop and wait.

lone wolf.

can't stand being a constant fuck-up

making choices decisions 

drawing conclusions

becoming ugh

an adult so old and 

learning experiencing being

oh so very brokenhearted

unloved alone like

you always claimed you wanted to be

and yet here i sit with no hand in mine

and you don't mind

sitting there with hers in yours.

and i shied away so envious so jealous so unreal

stealing glances over and over

watching waiting wishing for you

to make

a move.

so many times have i not known

what to do say think be

and today

i think

i have chosen wrong

every 

single

time.

exhaust

in a funk, sunk into the depths

depths of loneliness and despair

care

to join me?

if you did, we wouldn't be so lonely

and maybe

baby

our despair would disappear.

i am so good at torturing myself.

working with words

has become a new hassle

a new something to be

dissatisfied with

just another thing 

i'm not enough for

i'm not good at

i'm not.
(breathe and remember where your dreams come from)

physio

lighting quick

lick

a pattern across my

smooth smooth skin

down my spine

your hand next to mine

my

naked arm quivers

sends shivers

to all the appropriate places

touch soft like

light

like

leaving me the way you found me

lovely, lonely and alive

find

a new place to begin

in

in between my cold toes or

beside my warm heart.

lovely lacking

i would like to write

something happy, content, wonderful

magical like the feelings i get when

your arms are wrapped around me

like right before you kissed me that first time

and i

i kissed right back.

i would like to remember those times

so quick

so infrequent

not so long ago

when you and i walked

not touching, breathing

anticipation mounting like a

like a wish waiting for a falling star.

my short-term memory

doesn't fail me this time and i'm

i'm happy we've done everything we've done.

happy, content, wonderful

magical like the feelings i get when

your body is pressed against mine

passion persistent, pure

positively radiant and 

positively true.

(i'm not so lonesome anymore.)

Grateful

For blue skies

For freedom

For learning

For doing

For being

Allowing myself to

be me

for once in my life.

I am

relieved,

revived,

reborn and

I don't need much more than this.

(Needs and wants are the reason for the season)

Addict

I should just choose to be confused.

To sit still and wait for you

anyone

to explain things that I know

are true.

Ouch mixed with content makes

a vicious cocktail

and I suppose I'm enduring it.
Swallowing it whole to feel more, 
feel less,
feel.

i missed you today.
but i didn't send you an email to tell you so.
i miss you everyday,
but i can't bear the thought of you.



maybe tomorrow.


maybe not.

so funny

to think of why and how and where and when

to wonder upon wonder,

to unknow the unknown.

to become empty and whole at the very same time

to rotate, cycle, smile.

to feel worthy and worthless

weighing the odds

to be new, true, blue, goo.

slumped over inside

standing tall throughout.

wonderings

whether

or

not

i would regret

feelings

thoughts

actions

unfortunate and true.

boo.

ignoringit

in hopes of

becoming something new.

never have i ever

confessions are of too much worth

to become true, real, alive, different

and i, here, have become immobile

like

i can't breathe and my mind can give

nothing but varied shades of you.

i realize i haven't stopped

haven't become

haven't been

haven't seen anything but

the same damn things

over and over.

brutally used to being messed up

shrugging off the seemingly 

normal but truly volatile.

feeling as though life is

not as nice as i ever believed it could be.

malcontent, discontent, i don't sleep

i won't sleep

and tonight won't be easy

to endure.

knackered

my brain waves good-bye

going into overdrive

my body stiffens, weakens,

and that ache that never went away 

shivers, sleepy.

i do not know where i will end up

all i know is

my thoughts are dangerous

my mind is a minefield and

i skip lazily through

setting off bomb after bomb until i

crumble

shaking

sweaty

tears streaming

screaming

begging for mercy.

i open my eyes again and 

stretch yawning

like a

cat 

where's my yoga mat

these poses are fit for the studio

go

go

go

awaken alive once again my friend you are

too early

my brain never stops

go 

go

go again and again until

exhausted

i give up

and let it win again.

please

allow me to make my own decisions

allow me to trust my inhibitions

my instincts

my guts

i was never told what to do or not to do

very rarely were my parents the ones who decided for me

now, too many people seem to think they know what's best and

though i trust that they care

i trust myself more.

i've got to make mistakes in order to learn from them so

please

let me do what needs to be done.

learning a lesson

curiosity killed the cat

and all those other crazy fools

that were too wrapped up in

other people's business to notice

that their own lives were falling apart.

i'm guilty, too.

all i truly want

is a warm body

lying next to mine.

it could be yours 

or some stranger's.

all i truly want 

is to know that

for a split second

i am the sole thing

on someone else's mind.

all i truly want 

is the attention

i crave so terribly.

all i truly want

is

naked skin shivering 

under those sweet single

fingers swirling.

my skin is cold to the touch but

touch it anyway.

and smile in to my eyes

surprise

i am important too.

all i truly want 

is to be cared for 

the same way

i take care in knowing

you and i

will come together.

care for me sensually.

disrespect

how funny

peculiar it is

how quickly, clumsily

feelings can change from love to hate.

every time i drank a beer with you

you'd smirk and say, "i want to get you drunk and take advantage of you."

and i thought, well, you take advantage of me anyway

why not get some alcohol out of the deal?

what's so different about that?

you used to claim love but forge dislike

every time you refused to come see me

after work.

and every single time i cried

you told me you were falling out of love with me

as if my tears we some sort of hate machines

mean

as if saying those things were going to make me stop crying

instead of making me cry more.

you cried and i held you rather than pushing you away

because i knew

i know

how much those tears were payment for everything you had always ignored.

i still feel honored to be the first one to see you cry

and i hold those feelings so close, like, 

maybe i'll always be the only one to ever see you cry.

i watched you break down

and bounce back

as if nothing mattered.

i listened to you as you told me of

your wishes

to take care of your mother, your sisters

as if it were your duty.

but you never hesitated to charge your mother's credit card

with frivolity and consumerism

and constant car repairs

claiming you'd pay her back someday.

you lie

you cheat

you take advantage

of everyone around you.

and yet they still fall in love with you

become smitten

want to be your friend.

you're charismatic and generous and

you are likable.

but you are not real.

and every time i wonder whether

you are a good guy or a bad one

i can't decide.

i don't think i ever really knew you at all

and that hurts more than anything else.

free

my coloring books have been left uncolored

and my fort-building skills are lacking

i can't find my legos or hot wheels

and i'd rather drink coffee than juice this morning.

sitting in the classroom in a college i've dreamt of since those days

i am reminded of my mortality, my humanity, my age

is this growing up?

alcohol on the breath

black bags under my eyes

refusal to dress in anything but leggings

hands cracked from stifling cold.

am i old?

two decades of living and suddenly

i am reverting

a sixty-four pack of crayolas sits open on my desk

for when my readings on feminism and nietzsche

become too much to bear.

and ani difranco intermingles with disney songs on my itunes.

shuffle in some raffi and beatles for good measure.

no, i am not fully grown

oh no, not yet. 

Recipe for a perfect musical interlude

Take twenty-five parts Explosions in the Sky

Four parts Yndi Halda

Ten parts Sigur Ros

Ten parts The Forms

Shuffle lightly until thoroughly mixed

Press play

Sleep to dream.

heavy heart

heaving 

those everythings became nothingness in an instant and 

here her ears hear a noise obnoxious and

ugh

so silly

judgments made so rash so real so reckless

like bouncing

back

and forth

up

and down

in 

and out because it has become that way.

innocence cut away like a circumcision

quick and

painful

sharp knives make such a difference.

touch this

trust like teaching

like learning

like meaning

like feeling a little bit more safe

safer than it was before

when the situation became stale

and jaded.

worry like words

like working

like willing to do too much to make things better

easier

different.

confusion like coloring

like keeping

like cooling down the coffee in this glass

yes, glass

it's hot to the touch but cold to the mind

find some insulation

find another stranger to harass.

tonight lonely night

shivering, breathless,

i wonder how she can be walking around

drowned

in wet hair tonight.

and yet, i suck through a straw

a frozen coffee drink

and laugh at my eternal hypocrisy.

my head will never be as cold as yours,

naked as it is thrust in to this november evening.

i will bury myself in your arms and try to keep you warm.

my lungs respond heavily to the sharpness of the air.

main street looks like a metropolis

and i am not lost amongst the homeless and the hipsters

traipsing along.

i have found myself here, happy.

and look forward to traipsing, too, 

my hand in yours.

contentedness overpowering,

wishful like a flame flickering.

typical anomaly

floating among 

the ugg boots and north face jackets

i have found a home here.

i frequent starbucks for my daily caffeine fixes

and fulfill my shopping itches

at urban outfitters and american apparel.

i wear leggings as pants and

pretend i am comfortable.

i refuse to be everyone else

because my drink is frozen in november

and my north face and uggs are nonexistent.

my urban clothing comes from the clearance racks and

is intermingled with old navy jeans and gap socks.

i study in coffee shops drinking tea and

spend too much money on dinner food.

i forget to go to the gym and i

don't revise my papers before turning them in.

in short, i am just like everyone else.

similar to the masses, yet different enough to stand out.

and my left-handed liberalisms and my

redheaded shortcomings have become

just as typically atypical as anyone

interesting enough to

watch walk down main street.
ann arbor is too small to be large
and yet
i still fit.

rules are meant to be broken

in my mind all the time,

i can't help but smile thinking about responses

glittering gold stars

from audiences unknown

flowers being thrown

and giggles resounding aloud.

tensions building sweet and sultry

and become overwhelming anticipatory

can't ignore voices above and below

yelling come and show

show and tell

well

i don't think i'm ready yet.

(but i will let you know)

Bedtime

Tips touching finger licking good.

Smell my hair the way I knew you would.

Stroke gentle almost fearful almost unreal.

Helpful reminder to allow myself to heal.

Ready to make that take that do that stuff.

Intimate ultimate pillow fluff.

I remember your lips touching mine, the first time,

and my heart races just like it always will.

A new thing a true thing I think is mine,

though here I sit waiting for you still.

Enlighten me.

Brighten my smile.

Will wait for awhile.

Together we were

Together here we were

that futon crackling under the weight of

imminent dismay

destruction

and two days of unfortunate waiting.

That last time together I allowed you to

take advantage of my 

fear and anticipation

and I remembered nothing.

I have repressed so many images of

us, together we were and I can't stop

remembering small things,

real things that I am not proud of.

I can not believe we have nothing to show for

the two years we were together and

those nights spent crying and clenching fists.

I'd rather forget the good parts because

I remember that we were happy

together, we were.

Confusion sets in and I just want to forget

the nights spent laughing and the nights spent

in each other's arms together, we were.

Now we are apart and I do not want

to be together the way we were.

four years

is a long time.

four years is

one-fifth of

my lifetime.

when i was five, i 

played with barbie dolls

and

tonka trucks and

hot wheels and

coloring books.

when i was ten i

read a lot of books and

wore silly outfits and

jumped on my bed

listening to my b*witched and

hanson cassette tapes.

when i was fifteen i

had a lot of crushes and

stopped shaving my legs and

yearned for more.

now that i am twenty i

have become this

woman that

changes daily.

i have realized that

i have so much going

for me and i

still laugh at my life all the time.

four years is a long time to

commit to someone other than

yourself.

i have finally admitted that i

can survive by myself and

i am willing to

embrace myself before

giving myself away again.

good morning

did you

want to

wake up in the morning and

smile

like i will

when i

am through beating around

the bush and

through avoiding your

gaze

and

maybe after

we have

become

a little bit better

together

than we were before.

that's when i will

wake up smiling

next to you and

your sweet lips will

be smiling too.

subconscious

blood and body mass

connect, swirled whirled

mush.

i sleep to dream

and yet

my dreams always end up killing me.

i awake to find

myself still alive

deep breath

realize

life is more precious than sleep can imagine.

ruh roh--trouble

i realize i'm probably getting ahead of myself, here.

but it's fun to think, hope, and wish.

dream.

i have good feelings. 
and all of these love songs that i have found myself able to listen to again, some of my favorite songs in the world that i couldn't listen to for four months, aren't helping the matter. 
but they're on, and i'm smiling, and 
phew
what a relief.

square one

i think it's interesting to note

life doesn't get any easier

whether you're fifteen or fifty

but it does get more fun.

(funner, even, if you will.

which i will, because i love making up words. 

my privilege as an english major.)

i think it's interesting to note

we are all made up of

seventy-eight percent water and

particles of other things that

sometimes

are deadly if ingested in larger doses.

we are all self-specific science experiments

and it is our duty

to make sure we don't go up in smoke

or choke

or do bad things.

taking care of one another

is just as important as

taking care of yourself.

i think it's interesting to note

we are all human

destructible

mortal

real

and we all have hearts

beating inside our chests

and mine just may be

a few miles

too far from yours

right now.

a girl brought a whole cake to espresso royale

and she's eating it

while flipping through flashcards

studying, i presume, the chemical effects

of the oven's heat on the eggs and flour

that combine to

become something wonderful.

with the smell of chocolate

and coffee wafting, and

the sounds of damien rice

and brett dennen ringing

in my ears,

and the sweet memories

of you

lying next to me

coursing through my mind,

i have found contentment

on this dreary november sunday.

Desire

By Ryan Adams

"Two hearts beating, like a flower

all this waiting for the power

for some answer to this fire

sinking slowly, water's higher

desire.

Desire.

With no secrets, no obsession

this time I'm speeding with no direction

without a reason, what is this fire?

Burning slowly, my one and only

desire.

Desire, desire, desire, desire.

You know me, you don't mind waiting.

You just can't show me, but god I'm praying

that you find me, that you see me,

that you run and never tire.

Desire.

Desire, desire, desire, desire."

sunday funday

i've found i want a lot of things

one of those things is you

and

i 

presume

you

want

me

too.
(cuddle under blankets all day)

baking?

nerves are like a stick of butter

and i will make you melt.

bound by nothing but store-bought

boxes of things piling up

on the shelf.

whatever makes us

breaks us

and we become new

like an egg

cracked

shell-less

gives life to

you.

well well well

let's walk and talk

of everything

and start off innocent

and end up anywhere.

inside is my newfound

feeling of

comfort and grace.

and i've never been so comfortable

sitting, scrunched

in the same position for hours.

but your sweet scent

made my head spin (smiling)

my cheek against your chest

pressed,

and when i pulled away i smelled of you still.

come back and see

what we can be.

slow down, stop

you, and you, and you, and you

are on my mind

all the time.

stop fighting for space

and sit, complacent.

every time my mind strays

to something productive or worthwhile

you, and you, and you, and you

come back, forceful, like

i can't stop or else.

you'll get me.

the universe is one cruel player

in a game

that karma and mother nature

have perfected.

your team against mine

me

i am alone on this side of the pitch.

bodies

let's cuddle and watch that movie you were talking about

if by cuddling you mean muscles twitching

forced

kept in one

position for far too long.

We Are Not Alone.

instead, of course, we become one here

under these blankets

and the sun comes up and then

i realize that i can't move my arms.

crooked in the awkward form

of you.

(it's hurts, but in a good way)

and i'll never stop remembering your shape

against my own.

skin on skin, freckle on freckle

each zit matches the next

your skin has broken out in to a multitude of

imperfections

and my skin is smooth like

it boggles your mind

and my hands are not quite as smooth

but

they can still feel

the world

around

me.

come back and run your hand down my arm.

feel

my

sweet

skin.

and don't ask me how

i got these freckles

ask me how my sores are healing.

ask me why my scars are

where they are

i don't know if every story is real

or memorable

but i'll make one up to see your smile.

humanity

to live is to 

endure

an infinite

mindfuck.

the human psyche is cruel.

we are cruel

and weird

and real.

what's telling is

how one reacts

to said life.

the endurance of each person

is different

is whole

is intuitive and rational.

let's sit and wait

for the sun to shine

again.

third time's the charm

for a broken heart. 

we were young and free and real

and we loved each other

relentlessly.

after one year

you took advantage

of that love.

and i came back

loving unrequited.

but everything had changed

and i was ashamed.

for a whole year,

i was ashamed of myself

for weakness, for rewarding

that disgusting act that you

had no trouble

performing.

after that year you

punched me again,

ripping my heart out in a different way.

i was convinced that you were lying

i was convinced that you were scared

i am still convinced that

your feelings

for me

are too huge to fathom.

two months hence

it was time

to say goodbye.

and yet, i'm the one still here

waiting for

something

to put my faith in once again.

three strikes, you're out

but you won't leave.

the universe

tortures

my crushed heart. 

(and today is the worst)

i can't bear being alone.

clouds.

i didn't used to mind the dreary november skies.

i never cared that the snow was on its way.

now, the cold chills my bones 

and i can't stop

wishing that i were

home

in your arms.

I miss

your face

your friendship

your wit

your being

your hair (oh glorious)

your conversation

your smile

your sweet, sweet disposition.

you are not scum

instead

it is i

who pushed

away.

Facebook

Every time I see your face

on someone else's profile

my stomach turns

in to mush

and doesn't let up for five minutes or more.

(You make me sick)

I find it unbelievable that you care so little

about

me.

So little, in fact, that you haven't contacted me.

(You make me angry)

Some of my friends are your friends

but they were mine first

so go away.

I have cracks in my hands

and cuts in my fingers

and you are seeping in again.

(Get out of my life)

You've found it

all too easy

to kill me, slowly, as if it were always your goal.

I'd rather be empty

than allow you

to reside

inside

me

again,

and yet I'd give anything to have you back.

If only to tear away your facade

and show everyone

how phony you truly

are. 

(Heartless)

Dreary

Today is a day

just like any other day

but today is damp.

Dead.

And I am done for.

Every song I hear

today

reminds me of emptiness

loneliness

insanity.

And although you are

not alone

I remember

pain.

And I try to stay angry.

Angry rather than sad.

Mortality

I was walking

quickly

so quickly that I

was floating

and the rain didn't touch me.

I thought the car swerved.

Through the rain, the sirens

and lights

are bothersome.

I can't tell up from down.

My heart is beating so fast

out of my chest

right out

of my chest.

When I stopped

I felt the rain

turn to snow.

It wasn't me on the gurney.

Fredreich Nietzsche

On Truth and Lie in an Extra-Moral Sense

"What, then, is truth? A mobile army of metaphors, metonyms, and anthropomorphisms—in short, a sum of human relations which have been enhanced, transposed, and embellished poetically and rhetorically, and which after long use seem firm, canonical, and obligatory to a people: truths are illusions about which one has forgotten that this is what they are; metaphors which are worn out and without sensuous power; coins which have lost their pictures and now matter only as metal, no longer as coins."

Philosophy.

funny honey

emotion

like

removing

oneself

from 

reality.

i have never felt more about anything less.

feeling feelings

is acute

awareness of

your ability to breathe

to move

to be.

the human psyche is filled

with particles

of matter that

do not coincide.

and yet, we yearn to allow

ourselves

to make sense

to make changes

to make amends.

i have lost the ability

to trust

to forgive

and still i love.

(my foot is asleep and i can't walk)

Homesick

By Kings of Convenience

"I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy,
But I can't stop listening to the sound
Of two soft voices
Blended in perfection
From the reels of this record that I've found.

Every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me...
What are you doing here?
Finding all my previous motives
Growing increasingly unclear.

I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
All the other options held before me,
Would wither in the light of my plan.

So I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy,
But there's only one thing on my mind
Searching boxes underneath the counter,
On a chance that on a tape I'd find...
A song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.

Homesick.
Because I no longer know where home is. "

huh.

we broke up

in a graveyard

under a meteor shower.

in honor of

last night's

meteor shower

i will share this memory.

it's cool.

blame it on the alcohol.

gee.

gurgling

grasping

giggling

gleeful

gonna

get

gone.

i am a ridiculous girl

who has convinced herself 

of magic, necessity, universe.

who believes in

love and hate and respect.

who refuses to

give up or fail or stop.

i make decisions

on whims and i am

moody

and judgmental.

i don't know how i got this way

but i am this way

and i am content.

strange?

i pick at my cuticles

when i am nervous

or bored.

as though my self-destructive tendencies

need to be announced on

my physical person.

but it's okay

because

i realize that we are only products

of

ourselves.

so i embrace

every little piece of

quirkiness

craziness

ridiculousness

as a part of my true self.

i will not apologize.

cunning

intriguing.

i'll watch you all day long because you are interesting.

you are real, tangible, like 

the bark on this tree, or like

me.

what you are not, however,

is any sort of organic matter

other than human.

so i suppose that watching

the leaves floating and rustling

may be more important than watching you.

compelling.

i can't move away. i can't stop thinking

of

a time when you and i were

real

together.