Maybe I shouldn’t call her.
Do I even want to see her?
Do I even like her anymore?
It’s spring break. I hate coming home. Why must I leave the comfort of my Catholic surroundings at school? Traverse City doesn’t even house a traditional Latin Mass in its community of Catholic churches. Sacrilege.
Back to the topic at hand…grab the phone and find the number. She’s not in speed dial anymore…none of them are.
It can’t be coffee; I’ve had to give that vice up for Lent. She won’t care. She’ll have coffee anyway. She--
“Hi! How are you? Where are you?”
“Uh…hi.”
“Erica! It’s Susan!”
“Yeah…I realize that.”
The voice on the other end sounds far away. She’s distanced herself from me. I’ve distanced myself from her. I’ve had to.
“Where are you? I’m home! I want to see you.”
“Oh. Uh, okay. I’m driving home from Chicago.”
“Can we please get coff—I mean, can we get together? When you get home? I miss you!”
Am I pleading? I don’t plead. Not with her; not anymore.
“Sure, I guess. I’ll just call you when I get home.”
“Yeah, call me when you’re ready. I’ll talk to you later! Okay? Bye.”
“Uh-huh. Bye.”
No, that wasn’t awkward.
***
Straightening my skirt, I descend the stairs to our favorite coffee shop. She looks up from our usual table, glances at the clock above my head, and rolls her eyes. Smiling, I continue maneuvering myself through the maze of tables to where she is sitting. She smiles, quickly, as if forced.
“Hi!” I go in for the kill, the bear hug I am accustomed to giving. She doesn’t hug back.
“Oy, Susan! You smell horrible! I mean, seriously…that’s ridiculous.”
I shed my coat which, I’m sure, reeks of cigarette smoke. “It’s not that bad…”
“Yes, it is. I thought your body was a temple?”
I sit. “It’s aesthetically pleasing.”
“You mean, ‘it looks cool.’”
“It’s aesthetically pleasing.”
Another eye roll, a forced smile. “So, how are you? I thought you were never coming home again.”
“It’s spring break; I came home.”
“Oh. Um... right.” She crosses her arms and raises her eyebrows.
She’s waiting for me.
This silence is deafening. “So, explain your message to me. You said a while ago that you were mad at me? Why?”
“You lied to Ella and I. You don’t lie to your best friends.”
“When did I lie?” This is starting well. Of course she would bring this up. It was for the best…
She leans back and crosses her arms across her chest. “At Christmas. When we came over to exchange presents, and you told us you didn’t have any money. The next day, you went to the antique store and bought Caleb a $250 candelabra.”
Oh, that beautiful candelabra. It’s absolutely perfect for our new house.
“Susan, it’s not about the presents; you know that. But, the fact that you lied to our faces…well…that’s just disrespectful. Of course I’m mad. You’ve changed. So much. Too much.”
“Yes, I know.” I smile.
“Is that a Caleb smirk?”
“What smirk?”
“You used to be so strong. You were your own person. You had beliefs and morals and you stood your ground. You had conviction, and motivation. You were strong!”
I can’t look her in the eye. “I was never strong. You know that, Erica.”
She pounds the table with her fist. “You were. I was there, Susan. You were!”
“I’m more myself now than I ever was.”
“Did god tell you that?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. The Lord has pointed me down this path, and I intend to follow His will.”
“Hah. What else has he willed?”
“I’m quitting school.”
Dead silence.
I can’t believe it, either. God’s Will must be done.
“You’re what?!?”
“He’s made it known that I should leave school.”
“And do what? Live in a cabin, off the grid, in the dirt, with Caleb?” She shudders.
I hold my breath before letting my news rush out. “I’m ready to start a family.”
A gasp, and then silence. She’s in awe. Shocked.
I can hear the clock ticking away the minutes left in our friendship.
I think I’ll leave her soon.
Finally: “No. No no no. You are not. This is not happening. You will not become your mother. You hate her for being uneducated.”
“God has told me that this is the path I am to walk.”
“You cannot possibly be ready to be a mother. Six months ago, you never wanted children. You were going to be the happy, rich aunt to my children, Ella’s children.”
“God has shown me the Truth that I need to believe in.”
“Uh-huh. This is your truth? Your path?”
“Yes. It is. And I intend to follow His Will and His Way.”
The frown on her face is stone-cold. “I’m angry at you for losing yourself.”
“I’ve just now found myself.” I grin.
“Stop smirking! I don’t even know that smirk. It has to be Caleb. I hate him.”
“Of course you do.” I smile politely.
She throws her hands in the air. “Are you even going to try? Tell me about him? Convince me to like him? Aren’t you supposed to trust your best friend’s opinion?”
“Well, I knew you would hate him, but God has sent him to me, so your opinion…well…it’s not as crucial anymore. But, yes, I will explain his stance to you.”
“Let me get ready for this.” She shakes out her hands and takes a couple of deep breaths.
“Caleb used to be just like you and me.”
Her forehead wrinkles. “Huh. How so?”
“Well, he used to play the guitar, and listen to classic rock, and--”
She cuts me off. “You’ve already lost me. Do I have mad guitar skills that I’ve never known about?” She smiles, in spite of herself.
I, in turn, frown. “No. What I’m trying to say is, he used to be a regular teenager. Experimental. Then, one day, he was dissatisfied with his life. He hated the way he lived.”
She nods. “And god told him to become an arrogant, ignorant asshole?”
“No! He was raised Catholic, so he began to research the faith. What he learned was even more disheartening. The further back he went into theological history, the more he detested the modern Catholic Church. Namely, after Vatican II. You know about Vatican II, don’t you?”
“Of course.” She doesn’t, but I’m too tired to explain it. Only a few more days, and caffeine will run in my veins again.
I sigh. “Basically, the Church after Vatican II made the ‘rules’ more vague and commonplace, thus making it easier to sell one’s soul to the Devil.”
“Well, what did Caleb do next?” She can be so sarcastic sometimes. If only she knew the Truth.
“He began to support the views of Bishop Gerald de Proenca Sigaud, who left the Church in order to begin his own, truth-following church.”
“He was excommunicated and started a cult?” She smiles as if she knows where this is going.
“He left the Church because it no longer fulfilled the needs of its People. He chose to save souls rather than lose them.”
“So, Caleb’s a cultist.”
“No. He follows the Truth. As do I.”
“And, have you done any research to base your new life upon?”
“Caleb’s made some suggestions of readings.”
“Obviously, books that he’s approved, rather than those he’s mentioned in his book-burning group.” She shudders again.
Well, yes, because the United States Constitution and Maya Angelou are worth burning. Masonic bibles do not show the true Way. And, of course, Karl Marx and John Locke were Communists who deserve to burn, in Hell and elsewhere. Horrible stuff.
“There is no reason for I, nor anyone else, to justify Caleb’s actions. He has strong opinions, I admit, but, in this day and age, you have to make your faith strong so that people will hear you. Caleb believes that the Roman Catholic Church should provide a path to facilitate a pious life. The ‘book-burning’ group, as you have so aptly named it, was started to bring attention to society’s utter loss of faith, morality, peace, and stability in literature and elsewhere. He’s helping guide humanity away from the sinful and back to God.”
She chuckles and shakes her head. “Well, thank goodness that Caleb’s here to lead you to the lord.”
“It’s not like that. It just makes sense. The world is black and white, completely logical. The Truth is truth, and everything else is the Devil’s temptation.”
She raises her eyebrows. “So, you don’t experience emotion, anymore?”
“Emotion is a human’s excuse to act against God’s will. As is free will. I believe these are evil ways of thinking and acting, because disagreeing with God will only land you in Hellfire and Brimstone.”
“Huh.”
Just the reaction I was looking for. I knew she’d be dumbfounded. Hurt, even.
“Susan, what are you saying? You know how emotional I am; how emotional Ella is.”
“Emotional outbursts and decisions are based upon the wants of humans; they are earthly rather than Godly. The French Revolution, the American Revolution, these are some examples of the selfishness of modern society. Rather than staying in keeping with God’s plan, humans chose to fulfill their own desires of power and money. There is no reason to revolt against God’s chosen rulers. God chooses monarchies so that He knows He can trust the leaders of His people to do His Will. Without them, who is to say whether any of His people will fulfill His Will? Emotion is the Devil’s way of guiding humanity away from God.”
More silence. She’s so upset; understandably so. I know her, even if I wish I didn’t. Before I can fit more examples in, she finally begins to speak.
“The revolutions of the French and the Americans were started because things weren’t working, Susan. The people were unhappy, they weren’t being cared for. They were dying in the streets as the monarchy walked around them. They sacrificed their lives for what they believed was right and true. They were suppressed because they held different views. Of course there is a basis for revolutions; without them, God’s people would turn against him.”
“They were being suppressed as punishment for going against God’s Will in their beliefs. Technically, Erica, they did turn against Him, when they killed His chosen leaders, when they fled His countries to begin colonies in their own right, away from the safety of the Church. You see how emotion can cloud your head?”
She looks worried; she needn’t be. “Where are your stutters? Why aren’t you tripping over your words? Susan, you’ve never had a clear thought like this.”
“My head is unclouded by emotion.”
“You’re being brainwashed.”
“I’ve found the Truth, Erica. I know how hard it is for you to understand that.”
She shakes her head. She is not even looking me in the eye anymore. She’s lost respect for me.
Good.
“ Okay, so, answer me this, o holy one. What about every other religion? Other beliefs, other gods?”
“There is one Truth. One Bible. One God. One Way.”
“And everyone else? Ella and I, your truest friends?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Don’t exist. Don’t know the Truth. It’s simple, really.”
Her hands make a large smack as she slaps them against the table; she pushes herself away, gets up, and stalks away.
She’s walked away from me.
Now I don’t have to walk away from her.
Thanks be to God in Heaven.
Good riddance, say I. Severing these ties is what I came home for, anyway.
God has given me better friends; He has given me Caleb. With Caleb, everything will be all right. With Caleb, God’s Will shall be done. I don’t need Erica or Ella anymore; they are a nuisance and a reminder of my past. A past that is still hidden from Caleb and everyone else at school.
And so it shall remain.
Yes, I’ve changed…but it’s only for the better.
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