we're too big to expand

all at once,
the tingling twitching of fingertips met for the first time,
the movements quick like light passing between trees that continue to move despite one's best efforts
touch and away
a sideways glance, a flicker in the lips
we can't go anywhere fast enough and
yet
the uncontrolled never lasts.

palm of my hand

our past is expansive,
much more so than our present
and our future is seemingly blank.


how sad it is to have missed out on something
so innocent
perfect
in order to preserve something that
does
not
exist?


(i've lost all hope now, please come help me out.)


i need some guidance here, and now, 
and please don't tell me you'll work it out
because eventually isn't good enough for me,
no
not anymore.
give me more. give me concrete. give me proof.
give me truth.


(it's all that i deserve, no more, no less. i guess.)


i just cannot believe that i let it slip through my fingers
and
convinced myself all would be well.
hell,
maybe i'm the one who needs to stop telling lies.
besides,
taking care of me should be my number one priority.


(get some. or something.)

these are things

these are the things swimming about in the muck of my mind right now:
-loneliness and isolation: the lonelier i am, the more isolated i make myself. this is a ugly vicious cycle.
-i want to go places. all places. right now. immediately. not in the spring or when i have the money. fuck money.
-why can't i find a motherfucking job? no, but seriously, this internship will be good. i think. and hopefully i will get the americorps position.
-but if i get the americorps position, then i can't go to europe.
-but if i can't go to europe, i will find another time to go. and i could go by myself. on a trip. after americorps.
-i need to write more.
-i need to start running (my alarm clock is set for an earlier morning)
-i love mornings. i need to start appreciating them more. i think i will learn to appreciate them because i will be getting up to go running.
-it only takes 21 days to create a habit.
-don't forget the golden rule: do unto yourself as you would unto others. i work in customer service so this is especially applicable.
-taking better care means: breakfast, lunch, and dinner. exercise daily. personal hygiene (like plucking my eyebrows, which i keep thinking about doing but never actually do [because i need a new pair of tweezers].) less alcohol and bad food. these are very easy changes to make.
-i need to move out. immediately. i really hope this 13th street house/living with jessica thing will work out. i will find out in 2 days.
-i need money. i hate money. i hope my security deposit comes back soon so i can pay bridget so that weight is lifted. and then i can pay off my credit card and send lindsey a check and pay at&t and get back on track.
-this summer was a fucking bust. i think i'm disappointed because i fucked myself over. but it's okay.
-i wish i were moving away, but because i'm not, traverse city is a glorious place to be.
-i can't wait for fall.
-i love wine. i really do. and i love selling it.
-i really want my life to start, but i can't stop missing college.
-i miss college a lot.
-i don't really know what to do, but i'm doing it anyway.
-i'm really going to miss school, but i need this time for me now.
-focus on the present.
-i want to travel. wanderlust.
-i like having fun.
-my mother cannot define me. i will not allow her to. i am me with or without her.
-i will move out soon. i will take care of myself. i will get the jobs i want. i will find someone to spend time with. i will fall in love. all in due time.

i'm just
sitting around
watching
waiting
listening.

addiction

it's a dangerous thing
(i've never known it quite like most, but)
my life is based upon a lie and i began in some couple's 
cold turkey humdrum nothingness
(i just can't stand what this is doing to us)
i know you're knowing that i know
will ultimately lead to your demise
(but honestly though can you ever be with anyone?
truly be, like together, like one?)
you've worn me down and wore me out
and i'm running ragged breathless rushing catching up
inhale, it gets caught in my throat
choke
i can't be the only one who knows
not anymore
i care too deeply for you now to hold you back to keep you going
my only thought now is: who and how and why?
why oh why is this a thing
a true honest beastly thing that needs dealing with
and why, again, am i the only one strong enough to know
really know
what it's like to be the secret lover of a love gone horribly wrong?
i'm troubled with your troubles, dear, and here and there we realize that
we cannot pretend we're living someone else's humdrum life
and knowing now what i do know is knowing nothing worthwhile
nothingness is better than this, i think, and i can't quite
won't quite
figure it out.

i have a problem

i love you, you see.
i think i'm the last to know.
i just figured it out,
but i don't know how i didn't, sooner
faster
earlier
i guess i'm that mess i've been warning you about
but
i know you have a secret too
darling
can i hear it?
remind me of all those things you said
a lifetime ago
these months have been the longest i've ever known and
i'm having trouble contemplating the meanings behind
all the silly lies and lines and rhymes and
december always makes me nostalgic so
i guess, here it goes
i love you, i want you and i don't care who knows.

back, and better than ever

and here, now, just like that
all is right with the world again.


i'd never say i wasn't worried
but what i was
was
convinced of a lie.
(no, not a lie, but something not worth believing)
(or maybe it was worth believing, but unnecessary)


the bottom line is, relief has washed over like some sort of cliched phrase i'd rather not use.


what i mean to say is, well, here we are again.
and all is well.