pure anger

in a single moment
pieces and parts you thought were
yours
become a figment of some daft
imaginary
being


why oh why oh why oh why
pumping like a maniac through the
brain disconnected from the
body lying defeated under a
twisted mess.


and then
beyond that
more.


when a body disconnected from the major 
bloody pumping organs
heart and lungs and brain
pumping bloody organs
somehow stopped relying on you.


true
how it is that fact and fiction meet mysteriously here
beyond a shadow of a doubt
this has become the worst
thing
that could ever happen.
and three in the morning becomes easy to see again
with eyes unclouded by
tears expected from them.


i could kill a man for what has been done to me.
but i sit in silence like a motherfucking
godforesaken
spineless piece of worthlessness that shouldn't
even
exist.


why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why
can't i just fall asleep and
wait
and
dream
and
die?


or live simply, softly, quietly, like i had always hoped?


no.
instead,
raging rampant within these weary dreary bones is
a something (or nothing) that could become a nightmare worse 
than the act that
got it there.


i need so many things right now but willing myself to cry is not working
never working
so what else could work?


i do what i dread every day without a care
what
could be worse
than
this?