disrespect

how funny

peculiar it is

how quickly, clumsily

feelings can change from love to hate.

every time i drank a beer with you

you'd smirk and say, "i want to get you drunk and take advantage of you."

and i thought, well, you take advantage of me anyway

why not get some alcohol out of the deal?

what's so different about that?

you used to claim love but forge dislike

every time you refused to come see me

after work.

and every single time i cried

you told me you were falling out of love with me

as if my tears we some sort of hate machines

mean

as if saying those things were going to make me stop crying

instead of making me cry more.

you cried and i held you rather than pushing you away

because i knew

i know

how much those tears were payment for everything you had always ignored.

i still feel honored to be the first one to see you cry

and i hold those feelings so close, like, 

maybe i'll always be the only one to ever see you cry.

i watched you break down

and bounce back

as if nothing mattered.

i listened to you as you told me of

your wishes

to take care of your mother, your sisters

as if it were your duty.

but you never hesitated to charge your mother's credit card

with frivolity and consumerism

and constant car repairs

claiming you'd pay her back someday.

you lie

you cheat

you take advantage

of everyone around you.

and yet they still fall in love with you

become smitten

want to be your friend.

you're charismatic and generous and

you are likable.

but you are not real.

and every time i wonder whether

you are a good guy or a bad one

i can't decide.

i don't think i ever really knew you at all

and that hurts more than anything else.